Let the games begin....

Gaming is a hobby that I enjoy. It's something that I find to be a great stress reliever. I usually play FPS (first person shooter) style games. You know the type, the games where you play a character and you're looking out through your own eyes and shooting bascially anything that moves. Sometimes they have storylines, other times they are just mayhem for the sake of mayhem. Like I said, they can be great stress relievers.

Well, recently I have been introduced to another world of gaming...online gaming. My friend Fyrecreek introduced me to Guild Wars. It's a great epic fantasy game. It's quite a departure for me from the games I'm used to, but I enjoy it. My cousin, Troll, and my friend Skaden both introduced me to World of Warcraft. That is another great game. Between Guild Wars and World of Warcraft I haven't even touched an FPS lately. I'm sure at some point I'll get the urge to pick one up and just go shooting monsters and zombies. But for now I'm enjoying the epic fantasy of these two online games.

I remember, years ago, I tried one of the earliest online games. It was called Tribes. It was alright, but it was really confusing to me at the time. Of course the fact that, at the time, I also had a dial up connection probably didn't help either. I kind of wish I still had Tribes now so I could try it out on my DSL connection. Though I don't know how many people would be online playing since I don't think it was that popular.

Some people look down on gamers as geeks or awkward beings with no social skills. I guess in some cases that may be true. I know I'm not the most social of people. But I don't consider myself to be completely lacking any kind of social skills. And besides if all human beings were the same the world would be boring. We all have our own interests and things from which we derive enjoyment. There's nothing wrong with being a gamer. If someone else looks down on me for enjoying playing computer or video games, that's their problem not mine. So I say, let the games begin!

Christmas Eve

Today is December 24th, Christmas Eve.  And yet, I still have no Christmas holiday spirit.  I sit here listening to music.  No I'm not listening to Christmas music, I'm listening to the Dropkick Murphys.  If I have the spirit of any holiday it would be Saint Patrick's Day.  But I suppose that is simply because of the music.  Whether or not I have the Christmas spirit the holiday will be here tomorrow with all the trappings, the gifts, the music, the presents...I wish I could summon up the spirit like I had when I was a child.  

I don't know why the lack of spirit is bothering me.  I suppose it's because in some ways I have bought into the propaganda that I should have the holiday spirit and completely and fully embrace it.  It's everywhere and it seems like something that can't be escaped.  I wish I knew why I find it so hard to embrace it.  

Well, whether I have the spirit or not, it is soon upon us.  So merry christmas everyone.

The holidays are  upon us.  I find myself looking full into the face of another Christmas and New Year and finding it very hard to embrace the spirit of the season.  Try as I might, I am having great difficulty in finding that gem of holiday spirit which should dwell within us all.  Perhaps it is the stress of work, or the stress of having extended family around, or perhaps it is all that and more.  I know that as a child I looked forward to this time of year all year long.  And then when it came I was filled with a childlike glee and excitement.  As time has gone on that youthful joy of the season has slipped away from me.  I wish now that I could recapture it with all that it means and brings.  But even now, three days before Christmas day, I find myself struggling to remember what it felt like to be so full of the holiday spirit.  

I think I need some time alone.  I need time to find that which I have lost.  A fundamental connection to the deeper reality beyond what we see each and everyday.  Each day is so full of stress, commercialism and rush.  That connection to myself and those around me seems to have been lost.  Yes, I think it is some time alone to reflect and think.  It is something I should have done long before now.  But, alas, as I said, the mundane everyday things of life has stepped in and gotten in the way.  

As I said in a previous post, I am not about "finding myself".  This is more about remembering myself, taking the time to create myself.  I have allowed life to intrude and have allowed myself to forget who I am.  That is what I need to take time to do.  I need to remember the simple joys of life.  

Creating life...

Continuing on with the idea of making changes, I sit down to write this post. I was at Barnes and Noble in Fair Lakes this passed Sunday. I was sitting in the coffee shop area drinking some coffee and eating a cookie. For those of you who may not have seen this, Barnes and Noble sells coffee mugs as well. And I saw a mug with a saying on it that struck me as particularly profound.

"Life is not about finding yourself...Life is about creating yourself."

There have been times when I've thought that I need to get out there and "find myself". But I realized that finding myself is a myth. It presupposes that the real me exists out there somewhere and I have to go find that reality. But the problem with that idea is that it takes the responsibility for my life out of my hands. So realizing that the next step is to understand that I can't find myself...I have to create myself.

It's not a question of going out and finding some mythical version of myself that may or may not exist. It's a question of deciding to take responsibility for my own life and changing the things I can change and letting go of the things I can't. It's about realizing that I am the only person who can really say who and what I am.

Yes I am feeling philosophical. Philosophical and motivated. This is a good thing.

Small changes affect large realities....

It's been a while since I've been motivated to post anything to my blog. I had begun to wonder why I even kept it since I hadn't been posting. But then I decided it is a good place to write down my thoughts, even if they seem completely random. At least what I write would make sense to me.

I've been considering making some changes in my life. Not major things, at least to start with. There are some things I've wanted to change and I think the reason why I haven't is because the enormity of the task was a bit daunting. But then someone told me that if I want to make changes I should start with small things that will have an effect on the larger things. It's funny how sometimes the most obvious concepts elude us until someone else points them out.

The next step will be to actually identify the small things that can be changed to affect the larger things and then start making those changes. There are some things that I've known for a while I want to alter. It seems sometimes as though life gets in the way. What was it John Lennon said? "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I think that sums it up well.

Another year...

August 15, 2008...it will be here in less than 24 hours. And on that day, one year will come to an end and another will begin. I will begin my 32 year of life upon this planet.

It always seems that I approach my birthday with a mixture of anticipation, excitement, dread and regret. Anticipation wondering what this new year of life will bring. Excitement in that I'm embarking on another chapter of my life. Dread knowing that I'm getting older. Regret looking back on my life feeling I wasted so much time. Many of the things I thought I would have accomplished in my life by the time I was 32 have not come to pass. And that is a great regret. I know I should not feel that way, but I do. Perhaps many of those things will come to pass in this new year. Or perhaps not. All I can do is go into it and see what it will bring.

In past years I have sat in dread of my birthday because I suspected that the new year of life would be as dull and forgettable as every other year. Consumed, as every other year is, with the mundane. It will pass as all others do and be forgotten in the mists of time, devoured by the shadows that have digested everything else. But this year I have realized that such does not have to be the case. I am the one who decides whether this new year of my life will be dull and forgettable or filled with excitement and new experiences. It is my choice whether my birthday begins another uneventful year or if it begins a year full of the experiences and excitement that should fill life.

Single...so what?

I'm single. I'm not married. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm not currently dating. And you know what? It's no big deal. I used to think it was. I used to worry about it and think about it a lot. But I've realized that it's not a big deal. It's not something that I have to spend all my time worrying about or fretting over.

To most people if you don't have someone, a soul mate, a lover, etc...then you must be alone. In fact just the other day I saw a sign that said "Single? Want happiness?" So many people seem to think that if you're single you're lonely and unhappy. But what if being single doesn't necessarily mean you're alone? What if being single doesn't mean you're unhappy? I don't think it does.

So what if I don't have a girlfriend at this point in my life. That doesn't mean that I'm alone or lonely. When I spend time by myself, I'm not lonely or alone, I'm just choosing to be apart from others at that time. I don't need someone else to make my life complete. I don't need a love in my life to fulfill my life. Another person cannot complete me. Another person cannot fulfill me.

For me to be anything, I must be complete in myself. Only then can I share that complete being with another person. One of the greatest problems I have had in my life is whenever I find myself attracted to a woman I don't ask her out because I assume someone else has already done so and she is already taken. For years I had low self-esteem. I never believed I was good looking enough, smart enough, funny enough or good enough for a woman to be interested in me.

And you know what that was? It was my own delusions of myself that held me back. Once I realized that those feelings were just illusions and delusions, I was able to change the thought patterns that perpetuated them. I am single. But I am not alone. And one day I will not be single.